FROM THE TOMB
OF THE UNREAL,
The Federal Aviation Administration rejects a business plan filed by the newly formed Air-Disney airline. The FAA notes that the airline's proposed "Dumbo planes" are aerodynamically unsound and that their "exhaust" does not conform to industry standards.
A Chinese doctor reports that getting out of bed too quickly in the morning appears to make one more prone to heart attacks. Back in America, Ted Turner hears the news and immediately launches the "Good-Excuse-For-Being-Late-To-Work Late Night Movie Network."
Detroit Edison announces it will release 500,000 gallons of slightly radioactive, "but safe," water into Lake Erie. "It's nothing to be concerned about," said a power plant spokesman out of one of his three misshapen mouths.