FUNNY QUOTES ON GIFTS

"Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas."

— Kin Hubbard

"Guilt---the gift that keeps on giving."

— Erma Bombeck

"If men are God's gift to women, then God must really love gag gifts."

— Maya Angelou

"The best gift you can give is a hug: one size fits all and no one ever minds if you return it."

— Marge Piercy

"The perfect going-away gift for a college student-athlete? A dictionary."

— Dave Anderson

"Yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery; today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present."

— Variously attributed to Joan Rivers and others

"A Christmas tree---the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead."

— Jay Leno

"Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops."

— Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five

"Acting is the most minor of gifts. After all, Shirley Temple could do it when she was four."

— Katharine Hepburn

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From The Simpsons

Store manager: "Okay, people, we need to cook up a new holiday for the summer. Something with gifts, cards, assorted gougeables."

From The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon Cooper: "The entire institution of gift giving make no sense. Let's say that I go out, and I spend 50 dollars on you, it's a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, where as you know what you need. Now I could simplify things, just give you the 50 dollars directly, and you could give me 50 dollars on my birthday, and so on, until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and 50 dollars richer. And I ask, is it worth it?"

From The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon Cooper: "The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year."

From Saturday Night Live

Jack Handy: "I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him."

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"She had an unequalled gift ... of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities."

— Henry James

"She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit."

— W. Somerset Maugham

"MacDonald has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts."

— Winston Churchill