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FUNNY WAITER QUOTES
Today we're serving up an order of funny waiter quotes. For our tip, your laughs will be plenty!
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From Fawlty Towers
Mr. Arrad: "Excuse me."
Basil Fawlty: "Yes?"
Mr. Arrad: "Look, we've been waiting here for about half an hour now; I mean, I gave the waiter our order..."
Basil Fawlty: "Oh, him. He's hopeless, isn't he?"
Mr. Arrad: "Yes, well, I don't wish to complain, but when he does bring something he's got it wrong."
Basil Fawlty: "You think I don't know? I mean, you only have to eat here. We have to live with it. I had to pay his fare all the way from Barcelona, but you can't get the staff, you see. It's a nightmare."
From House of Mouse
Max: "Head waiter is the easiest job. All you do is order the penguins around and read the funny menu."
From The Cowboy Way
Waiter at Waldorf Astoria: "And would you care to order wine with your meal?"
Pepper: "Uh, yah, why don't you bring us a bottle of something or other, uh, not too sweet, American."
Waiter: "'American something or other'—yes, sir, an excellent choice. And would you like glasses, or do you prefer to drink directly from the bottle?"
Pepper: "Well, um, glasses I reckon. And, oh, hey, toss a little ice in mine if you would, my good man."
Waiter: "Ice. Certainly, sir. Nothing could surprise me now."
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"I never taste the wine first in restaurants, I just ask the waiter to pour."
— Nigella Lawson
"The best number for a dinner party is two; myself and a damn good head waiter."
— Nubar Gulbenkian
"There are things you just can't do in life. You can't beat the phone company, you can't make a waiter see you until he's ready to see you, and you can't go home again."
— Bill Bryson
"The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters."
— Robert Morley
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FREE AUDIO CLIPS
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John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked.
"Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens." The man replied.
"Oh, it's nothing too special, sir," said the waiter. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Epitaph for a dead waiter:
"God finally caught his eye."
— George S. Kaufman
"With my wife, I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."
— Rodney Dangerfield
"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' "
— Phyllis Diller
"The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, 'Could I get you your check?' and we answered, 'How about the menus first?'"
— Erma Bombeck
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"I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'"
— Tommy Cooper
"A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter."
— Morey Amsterdam
"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like."
— Lemony Snicket,
A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Slippery Slope
"[The waiters'] eyes sparkled and their pencils flew as she proceeded to eviscerate my wallet—paté, Whitstable oysters, a sole, filet mignon, and a favorite salad of the Nizam of Hyderabad made of shredded five-pound notes."
— S. J. Perelman, The Rising Gorge
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You tell the waiter you want the fish special, and he insists that you have a side order of mercury. What?? That's crazy! Yes, but you might want to check out our article on
mercury in fish to find out which fish have the problem—and why ...
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CATEGORY: FOOD, ANIMAL WELFARE — 11.FEB.2015
Diet Science
Pastured vs. Free-Range vs. Cage-Free vs. Organic Eggs—What's The Difference? —
Dee McCaffrey says the problems with conventional eggs range from low-quality feed to inhumane growing conditions. Organic eggs use better feed and have better growing conditions, but access to outdoors is sometimes more theory than practice in large organic operations. She rightly promotes eggs from backyard chickens as the best choice, with eggs from pastured chickens another good way to go.
Go to page |
Download/listen
10:53
Original Show Pub Date: 19.Jan.2015
CATEGORY: FOOD, ORGANICS — 30.JAN.2015
One Radio Network
Keeping Food Clean—Overseeing the Organic Food Industry —
Mark Kastel of The Cornucopia Institute talks about agribusiness' constant attempts to weaken the USDA organic standard—and what we can do about it. Topics include ... big companies trying to do organic on-the-cheap; Eden Foods and other food companies using excellent business ethics; the scorecard on the Cornucopia website that lets you research your favorite organic companies; carageenan, yes or no; why Chipotle took pork off the menu in 1/3 of its restaurants; why monocropping hurts soil; long term effects of GMO foods on human health; how buying organic protects you from the worst issues in the food industry.
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Download/listen
59:36
Original Show Pub Date: 20.Jan.2015
CATEGORY: FOOD, GMOs — 28.JAN.2015
Corbett Report
Food—Can DIY Conquer "OMG!"? —
The problems of the industrial food system are obvious: food safety scandals, the death of family farming, food supply insecurity, the revolving door between corporate lobbyists and government regulators, and many more. The solution should be equally obvious: rolling up our sleeves and getting in the garden. James Corbett reviews some of the evidence against the industrial food model and then explores growing your own as a simple, natural solution to one of our most fundamental problems.
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55:38
Original Show Pub Date: 14.Jan.2015 ~~ Original story title: Episode 299 -- Solutions: Guerrilla Gardening
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Get more audio clips on food and nutrition (and many other subjects) in Grinning Planet's biweekly
downloadable audio news feed.
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An amusing, classic video short about a waiter who is absent-minded—or is his mind absent altogether?—featuring Steve Martin, Buck Henry, and Teri Garr. It gets off to a slow start, but there's a pretty good payoff at the end. Via YouTube. Watch funny waiter video.
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