FUNNY BASEBALL QUOTES

"Baseball hasn't forgotten me. I go to a lot of old-timers games and I haven't lost a thing. I sit in the bullpen and let people throw things at me. Just like old times."

— Bob Uecker

"I knew when my career was over. In 1965, my baseball card came out with no picture."

— Bob Uecker

"Baseball must be a great game to survive the fools who run it."

— Bill Terry

"Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can't get you off."

— Bill Veeck

"For the parents of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into innings."

— Earl Wilson

"There are only two seasons—winter and baseball."

— Bill Veeck

"I have discovered in 20 years of moving around a ballpark, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats."

— Bill Veeck

"Just take the ball and throw it where you want to. Throw strikes. Home plate don't move."

— Satchel Paige

"After I hit a home run I had a habit of running the bases with my head down. I figured the pitcher already felt bad enough without me showing him up rounding the bases."

— Mickey Mantle

"I hated to bat against Drysdale. After he hit you he'd come around, look at the bruise on your arm and say, 'Do you want me to sign it?' "

— Mickey Mantle

"With the money I'm making, I should be playing two positions."

— Pete Rose [said in 1977]

"Well, boys, it's a round ball and a round bat and you got to hit the ball square."

— Joe Schultz

"Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer."

— Ted Williams

"There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem—once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit."

— Al Gallagher

"Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't hitting."

— Yogi Berra

"Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical."

— Yogi Berra

"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."

— Yogi Berra

"If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em."

— Yogi Berra

"Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets."

— Yogi Berra

"I was such a dangerous hitter I even got intentional walks in batting practice."

— Casey Stengel

"The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided."

— Casey Stengel

"They say some of my stars drink whiskey. But I have found that the ones who drink milkshakes don't win many ballgames."

— Casey Stengel

"The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game. It's that they stay out all night looking for it."

— Casey Stengel

"I only had a high school education and believe me, I had to cheat to get that."

— Sparky Anderson

"If I ever find a pitcher who has heat, a good curve, and a slider, I might seriously consider marrying him, or at least proposing."

— Sparky Anderson

"Just give me 25 guys on the last year of their contracts; I'll win a pennant every year."

— Sparky Anderson

"Baseball is like church. Many attend, few understand."

— Leo Durocher

"I made a game effort to argue but two things were against me: the umpires and the rules."

— Leo Durocher

"If I were playing third base and my mother were rounding third with the run that was going to beat us, I'd trip her. Oh, I'd pick her up and brush her off and say, "Sorry, Mom," but nobody beats me."

— Leo Durocher

"If you don't win, you're going to be fired. If you do win, you've only put off the day you're going to be fired."

— Leo Durocher

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

— Dave Barry

"I know a baseball star who wouldn't report the theft of his wife's credit cards because the thief spends less than she does."

— Joe Garagiola

"You teach me baseball and I'll teach you relativity. . . . No, we must not. You will learn about relativity faster than I learn baseball."

— Charles M. Dickinson

"When I was a small boy growing up in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing, and as we sat there in the warmth of a summer afternoon on a riverbank, we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I told him that I wanted to be a real major-league baseball player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner. My friend said that he'd like to be President of the United States. Neither of us got our wish."

— Dwight David Eisenhower