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FUNNY VAMPIRE QUOTES

Be transfixed by funny vampire quotes! Be impaled by funny quotes about vampires!

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Funny Vampire Quotes . . .
GENERAL

"One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake."

Jack Handy, 'Deep Thoughts'

"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos."

Homer Simpson

"Oh, Lisa, you and your stories! 'Bart is a Vampire' ... 'Beer kills off brain cells' ... Now lets go back... to... that building... where bed and TV... is."

Homer Simpson

"There will be hoards of vampire bats descending on Beverly Hills.... We'll see if they can find any real flesh to puncture. I don't know."

Lucy Lawless, referencing the Hollywood premiere of 'Vampire Bats'

"I have never met a vampire personally, but I don't know what might happen tomorrow."

Bela Lugosi

"I was particularly stunned by the casting of [Tom] Cruise, who is no more my Vampire LeStat than Edward G. Robinson is Rhett Butler."

Anne Rice

"Following the Rumanian tradition, garlic is used in excess to keep the vampires away... Following the Jewish tradition, a dispenser of schmaltz (liquid chicken fat) is kept on the table to give the vampires heartburn if they get through the garlic defense."

Calvin Trillin


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Vampires Quotes (Funny) . . .
From 'BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER'

BUFFY: "I don't trust you. You're a vampire. Or is that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'?"

XANDER: "I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good."

XANDER: "We're right behind you, only further back."

BUFFY: "I think I speak for everyone here when I say, huh?"

XANDER: "I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away."

BUFFY: "We saved the world. I say we have to party."

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THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE

 

cartoon image of dracula If a fanged, caped Transylvanian count says to you, "I vant to suck your electreecity" ... you will be experiencing true vampire power—the slow draw of electricity your home electronics use when they're off and waiting in "standby mode." Learn what you can do to keep this 'Dracula deficit' in check in our article about Vampire Power.

Or perhaps you ARE Vampires and you're concerned that all those high-side-effects prescription drugs that people take may affect YOU when you dine. Check out or article on prescription drugs vs. chemicals.



Funny Vampire Quotes
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If you know of a funny vampire quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it; and, if you have it, a reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name (a web page address, Bartlett's, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

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AUDIO CLIPS
ON ALIENS & TRANSFORMATION

CATEGORY:  COOL AND COSMIC — 06.FEB.2015

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Awakening as One

Armageddon — The War Within — As framed here, Armageddon is not really about a final battle of the world's great armies, it is a process of resolving the internal conflicts in us humans. Though the system run by The Powers That Be is palpably corrupt, we have become so dependent on it, we cannot voluntarily let it go. Simultaneously, most people have lost their way, prioritizing materialism and self-obsessed goals over a peaceful, loving existence. The Armageddon process will break the system, and therefore begin the liberation process. While our time-limited physical form may perish, the inner heart-based eternal self will be renewed.
Watch  |  Download/listen   58:46

GP comment:  This is an interesting merge of Christian end-times philosophy with new-agey consciousness and cosmic awareness. There are a few points where the visuals help put the audio in context, but for the most part, you can get by just listening to the MP3, if that is your wont.

Original Show Pub Date: Unknown

CATEGORY:  COOL AND COSMIC — 02.FEB.2015

Rating: 3 of 5 - Good, worth a listen Legalise Freedom

Transhumanist Man's Scientific Rise to Godhood — Artificial intelligence, nanotechnology, implantable chips, and life extension. These and many other technologies are being promoted as the way for humanity to become something radically different. The transhumanist movement claims that by applying such technologies to our biology, we will become post-human—and that this would be a good thing. But behind this techno-utopian vision lurk the spectres of eugenics, mind control, police state propaganda, the end of privacy, and maybe even the end of the human race itself. Is a new religion for a new age being born, arising from a scientific and increasingly sinister quest for eternal life? Guest Aaron Franz discusses.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   1:25:36

GP comment:  It feels natural to like gadgets. But we're already seeing the information stream associated with our gadgets used inappropriately, and that is just the beginning of our descent into the control matrix, if the transhumanist vision is anything like out actual future.

Original Show Pub Date: 10.Jan.2015

CATEGORY:  COOL AND COSMIC — 14.OCT.2014

Rating: 3 of 5 - Good, worth a listen True Divine Nature

Matt Kahn: Understanding Ego — Matt Kahn discusses our ego and how it leads us to be "allergic" to our surroundings, to other people, and sometimes even to ourselves. By recognizing our behaviors that are born of ego and adjusting them, we can change the dynamic of our personal interactions, our lives, and the lives of others. As more and more people adopt such behavior, it will all ultimately lead to a re-tuning of humanity.
Watch  |  Download/listen   59:41

GP comment:  Kahn presents some interesting concepts, and he's witty too. But it's a bit hard to accept that the idiotic behavior of people in general is something to embrace in a non-judgmental, supportive manner. (Hmm, which part of my ego did that just come from?...)

Original Show Pub Date: 30.Sep.2014

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Dracula - Dead and Loving It (DVD)

 

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GP CARTOONS RELATED TO
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dracula cartoon link; thumb of count dracula COUNT DRACULA'S EVERYDAY PROBLEMS
Dracula Cartoon
 
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ANIMATION RELATED TO
Funny Vampires Quotes

photo of cat that looks like a vampire, with big fangs; click to view video on YouTube

KILLER VAMPIRE CATS

This video short weaves together music, text, and photos to create a purrfectly ghastly and amusing video montage. Via YouTube. Go there

       
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