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FUNNY CONGRESS QUOTES

Our funny, funny Congress; quotes spring from the minds of fools and sages, bashing congressman, congresswoman, and congressional lobbyists. Quotes, funny and insightful, are now in session.

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Funny Congress Quotes ...
GENERAL

"Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing. Nobody listens—and then everybody disagrees."

Boris Marshalov

"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself."

Mark Twain

"The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."

Will Rogers

"This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer."

Will Rogers

"I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses."

Victor Hugo

"In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress."

John Adams, second US president

"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress."

Ronald Reagan

"We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex—but Congress can."

Cullen Hightower

"Congress consists of one third, more or less, scoundrels; two thirds, more or less, idiots; and three thirds, more or less, poltroons."

H. L. Mencken

"If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?"

Unknown

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

Milton Berle

"To hear some men talk of the government, you would suppose that Congress was the law of gravitation, and kept the planets in their places."

Wendell Phillips

"They say that women talk too much. If you have worked in Congress, you know that the filibuster was invented by men."

Clare Boothe Luce

"Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?"

Will Rogers

"The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone."

Woody Allen

"Of course, the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the US tax code, you'd find at least one sex scene. ("Yes, yes, YES!" moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture...)"

Dave Barry


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Congress - Funny Quotes about ...
LOBBYISTS AND SPECIAL INTERESTS

"Politics is the entertainment branch of industry."

Frank Zappa

"Being elected to Congress is regarded as being sent on a looting raid for one's friends."

George Will

"Son, if you can't take their money, drink their whiskey, screw their women, and then vote against 'em, you don't deserve to be here."

Sam Rayburn, former Speaker of the House

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

Bruce Baum

"The defense budget is more than a piggy bank for people who want to get busy beating swords into pork barrels."

George H. W. Bush (41st US president)


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Funny Congress Quotes ...
FROM MOVIES AND TV

Roger Ramjet and General Brassbottom From Roger Ramjet

Roger Ramjet: "General, listen. What's that?"

General G.I. Brassbottom: "It's either turkeys gobbling or Congress is back in session."

From Family Guy

[Explaining his Halloween costume]

Dale: "I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist peddling influence... Who wants candy?"

From The Simpsons

Smithers [to Homer]: "Your new duties will include answering Mr. Burns' phone, preparing his tax return, moistening his eyeballs, assisting with his chewing and swallowing, lying to Congress, and some light typing."

Joanne Herring and Charlie Wilson in formalwear at cocktail party From Charlie Wilson's War

Joanne Herring: "Why is Congress saying one thing and doing nothing?"

Charlie Wilson: "Well, tradition mostly."

From Mark Twain Tonight!

Mark Twain: "I was very particular about the kind of job I wanted. I didn't want to work. So I went over to the Congress, that Grand Old Benevolent National Asylum for the Helpless, and I reported on the inmates there."

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Funny Quotes about Congressional Spending:
HEY, BIG SPENDERS

"Congress is not an ATM."

Robert Byrd, US Sentator from West Virginia

"The mistakes made by Congress wouldn't be so bad if the next Congress didn't keep trying to correct them."

Cullen Hightower

"The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out."

Will Rodgers

"Talk is cheap—except when Congress does it."

Cullen Hightower

"Fleas can be taught nearly anything a congressman can."

Mark Twain

"Congress:  Bingo with billions."

Red Skelton

 

Quotes - Congress -
FUNNY IN A SCARY WAY

"The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public's money."

Alexis de Tocqueville

"Can any of you seriously say the Bill of Rights could get through Congress today? It wouldn't even get out of committee."

F. Lee Bailey

"If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour?"

Thomas Jefferson



 

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PUTTING THE “CON” IN CONSPIRACY

If you want to know who really runs things in the world, you'll need to check out Grinning Planet's Diagram of “The Powers That Be”.  Hint: It's not the US congress and president.



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If you know of a funny congress quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

Feed Your Brain!
AUDIO CLIPS
ON POLITICAL MINIONS OF EMPIRE

CATEGORY:  HISTORY, FINANCIAL — 14.FEB.2015

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Peak Prosperity

Either We Break the Bankster Alliances or They Will Break Us — Nomi Prins reviews the historical circumstances that led to the formation of the big-bank-controlled Federal Reserve; that is, how the financial foxes were put in charge of the public's hen house. She then explains how many rich US elites in the late 1800s/early 1900s thought that keeping money flowing and not being too draconian helped the masses, which in turn helped the elites maintain the system that provided the wealth. But some bankers were not of a mind to play the game this way, and Louis Brandeis warned: "We must break the Money Trust or the Money Trust will break us." Nomi Prins says we are headed into a new era of high banker mischief, vast income gaps, and reckless behavior among leaders and elites. She says we must take heed of Brandeis' warning and take down the banker-corporate-politician-industrial complex.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   52:45

GP comment:  I have passed on a couple of Prins interviews earlier this year, but here she is starting to step outside the envelope and address the bankster power structure as the criminal enterprise that it truly is.

Original Show Pub Date: 31.Jan.2015

CATEGORY:  MEDIA, EMPIRE — 13.FEB.2015

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Democracy Now

Endless War, Endless War Spin — As Obama talks about a new major cycle of the war on terror—this time against the Islamic State—Norman Solomon of the Institute for Public Accuracy says Obama talks about not being interested in "endless war" but is doing more than any previous president to engage the US in exactly that. Solomon also says Brain Williams' worst lies about war were not his exaggerations of his personal experiences reporting from danger zones but rather his parroting the war propaganda of both the Bush and Obama administrations and his failure to challenge any aspect of the corrupt endless-war agenda. Of course, all the big names in media did the same. Finally, Solomon talks about the case of CIA whistleblower Jeffrey Sterling, who has been persecuted for exposing a dodgy CIA operation to the Senate Intelligence Committee.
Watch A  |  Watch B  |  Watch C
Download/listen   17:18

GP comment:  Solomon is very good here. The title of his book gives some indication of his tone: War Made Easy: How Presidents and Pundits Keep Spinning Us to Death.

Original Show Pub Date: 12.Feb.2015 ~~ Original story titles ... Endless War? Obama Sends Congress Expansive Anti-ISIS Measure 6 Months After Bombing Began ~~ Brian Williams Suspended for False Iraq Tale, But Media's Real Scandal is the War Lies Spun Daily ~~ Was Jeffrey Sterling Trial a Gov't Effort to Divide Investigative Journalists & Whistleblowers?

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 11.FEB.2015

Rating: 5 of 5 - Must-listening! Uprising

Understanding the Roots of Terrorism—Theirs and Ours — Much of President Obama's record-breaking defense budget proposal will fund proxy wars around the globe. The US is training and arming Sunni tribal groups in Iraq to fight ISIS, and it may soon begin supplying weapons to the Ukrainian military against Russia. Drone strikes continue to take their toll in Yemen and elsewhere. Meanwhile, a jingoistic film called ĎAmerican Sniperí glorifies killing and demonizes Muslims with virtually no historical context. Chris Hedges says most Americans accept the myth of American rightness and do-goodism while ignoring the obvious parallels in the terrorism practiced by the US and the terrorism practiced by ISIS and their ilk. He says the empire is not only busy abroad but is also quietly pre-positioning suppressive-force capabilities on the home front, in preparation for the inevitable pushback from the masses as their impoverishment worsens.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   27:32

GP comment:  Many excellent points in this one.

Original Show Pub Date: 09.Feb.2015

MORE

Get more audio clips on elites and their political minions in the context of empire (and many other subjects) in Grinning Planet's biweekly downloadable audio news feed.

 

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FUNNY VIDEO RELATED TO
Funny Congress Quotes

funny lobbyists video link; thumb of collage image of the US capitol building and news screen graphics

ARE POLITICIANS FAILING OUR LOBBYISTS?

An excellent video satire from The Onion that turns the problem of lobbyists' influence on Congress on its head.  Watch funny lobbyists video.

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